White and black, the friendly bears of China
White and black, they rarely reproduce
What shall be done about these Chinese bears?
What shall be done about these friendly bears?

Die, they must die
The pandas must die
Die, they must die
The pandas must die
Yay!

Why should we save them?
What good do they do?
Have you ever seen a panda,
Do something good for you?
They can't wear t-shirts,
They can't bounce basketballs
They can't walk tightropes,
Over Niagra Falls

Die, they must die
The pandas must die
Die, they must die
The pandas must die

You fat bastard

All endangered species
Leave endangered feces
If you knew how bad they smelled
You would gladly take their pelt
If we kill them all
We can have more parking lots
We can have small couches
Made of little ocelots

Two gameshow announcers meet on the street

Hi Bob, how are you?

Just fine Bill. But I see you have put on a little weight, ever since you got your brand new GAS B-B-QUE!

Along with a year's supply of Kingsford Charcoal - get the Kingsford edge! But I've seen you cruising down the street- in your BRAND NEW CAR!

A Chevy Vega! Deluxe convertible hatchback, with reclining bucket seats and an AM/FM radio. But that is nothing- compared to WHERE YOU'RE GOING!

PUERTO VALLARTA, MEXICO!

Oh my God!!

I'll be spending seven days and six sensuous nights at the beautiful Puerto Vallarta Hilton, overlooking the exotic Gulf of Mexico.

Lunch and dinner not included, Bill.

Hi Bob, how are you?

Just fine Bill. But I see you have put on a little weight, ever since you got your brand new MCDONALD COUPONS!

Available at McDonald's franchises across Canada. But I've seen you cruising down the street- in your BRAND NEW COAT!

Yes! It's a beautiful down-filled coat from Sears, Bill. Good against all the ravages of the winter weather. But again, that is nothing- compared to WHERE YOU'RE GOING!

BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN HAMILTON! I'll be spending seven days and two sensuous nights at the beautiful Hamilton Motor Inn, overlooking absolutely nothing.

Bring your own lunch and dinner, Bill.

Revelations:
And the number of the Beast shall be 666. Born in the sixth month, the sixth day, and the sixth hour, and anyone bearing this mark, shall be known as the AntiChrist

I needed a date
For the high school dance
I went into the toilet
And I took a chance
I saw number written on the wall
Eight letters in blood
It was the number I had to call

666-6666
That's the number of the daughter of the Beast

Took her out for dinner
It was reasonably priced
She wasn't impressed
She was the daughter of the Anti-Christ
I walked her home
Took her through the park
I tried to kiss her
But her eyes glowed in the dark

666-6666
That's the number of the daughter of the Beast

Hey ????, I hear you got a new girlfriend

Yeah man, she's real hot
She spits acid, she pukes fire, and she gives good horn

You must be talkin' 'bout the daughter of the Beast, man!

Gettin' a car across the River Styx is a bit of a drag
And her four-headed dog always biting my ankles is a kick in the ass
And her dad always trying to kill me with his jokes
Goin' out with her, man, it was hell!

Hello everyone. My name is Gary Coleman. And a lot of you remember me as that little black kid on Different Strokes. But there's another, darker side of me that a lot of you don't know about. And that's the fact that I was born without a torso. That's right! And millions of children are born without torsos every year, and the number is growing.

Imagine the horror of being taunted in the schoolyard: "Hey where d'ya keep your nipples? In your pockets?"

Imagine the horror of being carried home from rugby practise in a netbag.

Imagine the horror of being taunted at swimming lessons: 'Hey Starfish Baby! Starfish Baby!'

Yes, the pain is real. The horror is real. But the hope is also real. Please give generously to:
Torsos for Tots.
A non-profit organization that helps these trunkless youngsters reach out and not have their arm fall through their t-shirt hole. Please give generously to:

Torsos for Tots
228 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York

Because somewhere there's a kid with nothing in his shirt but a dream.

Did you say Ernest Borgnine?

Yes.

He's on the tape already.

Oh, alright.

Sorry- P.S.A. number two.

Hello, my name's Kate Capshaw. And a lot of you remember me as that little black kid on Different Strokes. But there's another, darker side of me that a lot of you don't know about. And that's the fact that- (laughing)- Greg's making me laugh!

Do you know, is Kate Capshaw known in other countries?

(all laugh)

Alright, let's do another one- let's go.

I should leave the room.

P.S.A- no don't- P.S.A.

Hello, my name is Earl the Incredible Squirrel. (laughing) I'm sorry--

(all laugh raucously) That's a keeper.

Hello, my name's Clint Eastwood. And a lot of you remember me as that little black kid on Different Strokes. But there's another, darker side of me that a lot of you don't know about. And that's the fact that I have two huge columns of cheese for legs. That's right- and millions of children are born with cheddar legs every year, and the number is growing.

Imagine (hopelessly cracking up) the horror of sliding into second base and making a lovely taco melt.

Imagine the horror of being taunted in the schoolyard: "Hey, we oughta cube ya and make little things with flags stick into ya."

Imagine the horror of being held down in the schoolyard and grated.

Yes, the pain is real. The horror is real, but the hope is also real. Please give generously to:
Slice Me Off a Chunk, Huh?
A non-profit organization that helps these kids reach out and give, and take, and love, and live without being melted onto a patty of meat. Please, give generously to:

Slice Me Off a Chunk, Huh?
228 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York

I put a wheel in her right hand
I put a wheel in her left hand
I put a wheel between her legs

I'm the only gay Eskimo
I'm the only one I know
I'm the only gay Eskimo
In my tribe

I go out seal hunting with my best friend Tarka
But all want to do is get into his parka

I'm the only gay Eskimo
In my tribe

Well me and Muk-Fluk-Chuk-Buk
We both like blubber
But me I've got this crazy fetish for rubber

I'm the only gay Eskimo
In my tribe

I make a wish on the Northern Lights
That I can find a decent pair of whaleskin tights

I'm the only gay Eskimo
In my tribe

And the seals they sing now...

These cold winter nights
Are taking their toll
I even get excited when I see the North Pole
See the North Pole...

It was a terrible day. My legs felt like four pounds of cheese in a two-pound bag. I didn't know what to do. My eyes were bloodshot, and actually my legs were bloodshot as well. It was strange, but I was happy. I got into my car. I decided I was going to leave the city. Gonna go south, gonna have a holiday.

So I got in my car and I wondered why it wasn't running and then I realized I didn't have any keys. So I went in the house, found my keys, came back out, started the car, and drove down the highway.

The highway shimmered like black incense on the bald head of a Buddhist monk. I drove down the highway and I got to that big city of Miami. The steaming, seedy city - the city that's so seedy, the have trees there. Well I went into the nearest hotel and I went up to the door and I said, "I'd like a room." Then I realized I was outside and I had to go inside. So I went inside and I walked up to the desk and I said, "I'd like a room, please."

They said allright, and they gave me a key. Then I turned around, and there waiting for me was the Concierge.

Concierge! (repeated many times)

Well he looked at me, then I looked at him, then he looked back at me, and then I took a putty knife and I rubbed it against his cheeks in a very provocative way. And he turned around and said, "Follow me."

So I followed him up the stairs. I went to my room. He opened the door for me, and then he hit me in the back of the head with a big silver shovel. I said, "What's that about?"

He said, "You get it free with the room." Who was I to argue?

And I went in. My whole room was covered with soap. Little soaps, all over the room, everywhere! In the bed, on the ceiling, everywhere! I said, "What's with the soap?"

And he says, "What, you don't like soap?"

I said, "No, I'll take it, thanks."

He left the room, and then gave me a stare that almost turned my blood to blood. Anyway, I lay down on the bed, and it was a hot day so I was tossing and turning, and tossing and turning. And then the soap started to lather up and lather up! And I was gonna die! I was gonna suffocate! So I called the front desk, and they sent up the Concierge!

Concierge! (repeated many times)

Well he looked at me up and down, and he looked at me like I was four pounds of shit in a two- pound bag. And I looked back at him like he was four pounds of shit in a four-pound bag. And then he looked at me like I was six pounds of shit in a pound-and-a-half-bag. And I looked at him like he was 18 kilograms of shit in a thimble. And then I stabbed him in the face. And then he bit my head off and put it in a bag. And that's when I fell in love with the Concierge.

Concierge! (repeated many times)

Now we live in a small beach house on a small beach on Long Island - it's a long, small island, but I love it well. And he loves me well. And sometimes we take a trip down the highway that's glistening like a Buddhist monk with incense ablaze, and we think of the day we first met - me, and the Concierge.

Psychopathic killer in the summertime
Psychopathic killer oh yeah, oh yeah.
Psychopathic killer in the summertime
Psychopathic killer oh yeah, oh yeah.

I'd like to poke your eyes out
With that knife I found in your back!
Whee!

Psychopathic killer in the summertime
Psychopathic killer oh yeah, oh yeah.
Psychopathic killer in the summertime
Psychopathic killer oh yeah, oh yeah.

I wanna find your dismembered body
In a garbage bag!
Ew!

Psychopathic killer in the summertime
Psychopathic killer oh yeah, oh yeah.
Psychopathic killer in the summertime
Psychopathic killer oh yeah, oh yeah.

I'd like to put on my speedo
And go swimming in your children's blood.

The Buddhist Monk Singers sing the Hits of the 80's!

Okay, we'll take it from...uh...we'll start at the beginning...okay, Ray is your hair alright? Okay...uh...here we go...

One! Two! uh...

It's three, four.

Okay here we go, here we go. Right on.

One! Two! A one two three four!

'K yeah, That's right, the drums are right, that sounds good, okay...

I don't like this short kind of song.

Uh, I'll do it in french this time.

Un! Deux! Un deux ??? ???!

Rok Stedy!
Rok Stedy!
While my mom gets dinner ready!
Rok Stedy!
Rok Stedy!
While my mom gets dinner ready!

Hey mom put my tiger-striped pants in the dryer.
'Cause tonight I'm going to go downtown,
I'm going to set this rock N roll world on fire!

Rok Stedy!
Rok Stedy!
While my mom gets dinner ready!
Rok Stedy!
Rok Stedy!
While my mom gets dinner ready!

Hey dad, you great big fat capitalist pig,
Can I borrow the car?
I wanna go downtown tonight
And learn to play some mean, kick-ass rock and roll guitar!

Rok Stedy!
Rok Stedy!
While my mom gets dinner ready!
Rok Stedy!
Rok Stedy!
While my mom gets dinner ready!

Hey Heinrick?

Yes Garth?

How'd you like to come over to a party my dad's havin' while my mom's away in jail?

I'll be right over!

Right on! Gonna bring your girlfriend?

Sure, if I can find her other leg.

Oh, I think my sister was usin' it for road hockey.

Oh, right on.

Hey boss, here's boss!

Hey what's happenin', you guys?

Nothin' much, how's it goin', bosso?

Right on! You know what? I was just won the Who's Got the Greasiest Baseball Cap Competition at the Y!

Right on! Whadya win for that?

A big slap in the face with an old hunk of cheese!

Is it limburger, cheddar, or like a mild salami?

No, it's Ernest Borgnine.

Really? Neat? cheeses.

Yeah, he's the finest cheesemaker in the world, right Heinrick?

He made all the cheese for the Chinese!

You're my little curry puff
I'm your vindaloo man
I want to take you where samosas run wild
And lay you in a bed of cashmere?.

I'm lying here in my pajamas
Dreaming of the bandicoot
Trying to reach nirvana
Is easy when I'm eating this food.

It was an East Indian love affair
East Indian love affair
East Indian love affair
With you.

So give me tandori chicken
Send a coolie with a message for me
I'll be waiting for your answer of love, my dear
Underneath this tall tea tree.

I want to put a diamond in your nose
Give you silver slippers that turn up at the toes
I will be your little madras boy
If you will be my little sequoia.

Down in the mine it's dark and it's damp
Your legs will be bent and your buttocks will cramp
Dust will get into your eyes and your pants
And make your underwear filthy.

Hail the miner!
Hail the miner!
Hail the miner!
Hail the miner!

Down in the mine it's dark as a night
Our helmet's too big and our boots are too tight
We drink beer all day and throw up all night
And we wake up and do it again.

Hail the miner!
Hail the miner!
Hail the miner!
Hail the miner!

My father was a miner. And my mother was a miner before him. And my uncle had sex with minors, but he's in prison now, it's a horrible thing.

Down the black hole we go every day
Diggin' the coal to earn our pay
Some of us straight and rest of us gay
But all of us stinkin' like men!

Hail the miner!
Hail the miner!
Hail the miner!
Hail the miner!

When the moon rises over the meadow
And the grass is glistening with the dew
I'll come home and find you softly sleeping
And I'll throw up and I'll pass out next to you.

When the moon rolls through the darkness
And the birds have all gone up to their beds
I'll be down at the pub with my buddies
And I'll kick all the teeth out of their heads.

Hey Captain Greg! Tell us about the time you fought the pirates of Spain!

Aw gee, you kids don't want to hear that story again, do you?

Oh yes we do!

Oh no you don't.

Oh yes we do!

Oh no you don't!

Please, Captain Greg?

Well only if you promise to let me practice my body painting on you later.

Sure!

Well here's the story of the pirates of Spain. There was a ship, and it was from Spain. And all the people on it had black hats on, so I shot and stabbed them all!

Even the girls?

Especially the girls!

And now we'd like to do a tribute to a very talented songwriter, singer, dancer, juggler, skateboarder, ice cream saleswoman, nazi hunter, fugitive logger, cakemaker, cat owner, dog worshipper, sausage stuffer, mushroom licker and toadstool. This is our tribute to the very lovely and talented Suzanne Vega.

A small boy comes walking on the street as afar above him a gull swings with tiny, razor-sharp onions taped to its eyelids and it screams, "This is your pune!"

And the boy says, "What's a pune?" as he falls into a cup
And screams, "I am boiling, I think I'm boiling up."

And then the sky opens up and a huge craftwagon falls to the earth and out of it jumped Jesus. And then I heard a sound, it sounded like freedom but it ended up being very quiet so I went back to sleep. And then I heard a noise deep in my bowels. It reminded me of Christmas trees because it was so green. And I had a floatation device installed in my liver so I would not sink if I drowned. And then out of the nursery I heard the children screaming, "Why do they always make me ?"

Are you lost in love?
Just like me
Looking for love
Just like me
Hoping for love
Just like me
Searching for love
Just like me

Ou est l'amour?

My uncle thought he was a tuba so we all blew hard on his buttocks and he made noises out of the bell of his head. And I said, "Ha ha, there's the funny uncle. He is a brass instrument, not a woodwind, remember that, kids." And then out of the dresser there came a loaf of socks and everyone said, "Mmm delicious! Just what we need for our picnic party!"

I dreamed of you
And I dreamed in blue
And then I washed my hair.

Sometimes when I'm all alone I crawl under the carpet and search for bits of lint and then I knit them together into a little brother and I torment him with my evil, evil eyes until he cries.

Have you ever smelled a porcupine as its thrown the air by a huge lumberjack who screams, "I'm never going to wash myself again, not for a million dollars!"

Are you lost in love?
Just like me
Looking for love
Just like me
Searching for love
Just like me
Looking for love
Just like me

Here we go!

I am a dolphin
I am a squirrel
I am a beast who lives beneath the waters
Watch me flip my venomous tail as I make noises with my blowhole.

I am a crystal piece of jewelry
I am a float in a big parade
I am a quiet little mincing moron in your suit pocket

I once left myself all alone and realized that I had no phone, so I borrowed my sister's and she said, "May I call you?"

And I said, "Why? Because I am the pope of all the queens of England! Would you kiss me?"

And then I heard a noise and it sounded like my little bones turning to squid and everyone kicked me and said, "Release your ink NOW, buddy!"

We are Americans.
We are Americans, oh yeah!
We carry great big guns
'Cause we are Americans!

Oh yeah!
We're strong (we're strong!)
And we're free (we're free!)
We are Coke, We are Pepsi

'Cause we are Americans
We are Americans.

What we'd like to do for you right now, is a short history of the United States of America. First of all a short scene depicting the United States of America, and their diplomacy.

Hey pal, do whatever I tell ya!

No!

I got a really big gun here...

All right then.

Yeah! Secondly a short scene depicting the United States of America, and their economy, yeah!

Hey pal, gimme all your money.

No!

I got a really big gun here...

All right!

And thirdly a short scene depicting the United States of America, and I'm sure we all understand their foreign policy, yeah!

Hey pal, let's go fight a war in Iraq.

Okay! Where's Iraq?

Yeah!

And finally a short scene depicting the United States of America, and the settlement, the settlement of that great nation, we know and love as the USA, yeah.

Hey you Indian. Here's a bunch of glass beads, gimme all your land.

No.

I got a great big gun here.

Nice beads!

We are Americans
We are Americans, ah yeah!
We carry great big guns, yeah!
'Cause we are Americans

We're strong (we're strong!)
And we're free (we're free!)
We are Coke, We are Pepsi

And we wear
Canadian flags
When we travel
On our bags

'Cause we are Americans (ah yeah!)
We are Americans (c'mon everybody, make like you're at Woodstock, yeah!)
We are Americans
We are Americans